Where is My Tribe?

Looking for your people . . .

A friend asked me recently ‘Where is my tribe?’ She lives in Montreal and speaks both French and English (maybe even Spanish as well) but something seems to be missing. This got me thinking: Do we all want to be with our own tribe? Who are they? Are they the same as us? I think it works in concentric circles, outward, from yourself. The first circle, closest to you, is your family. The next is friends. From there are co-workers, neighbours, and fellow citizens?

 The Oxford dictionary defines a tribe as “a social division in a traditional society consisting of families or communities linked by social, economic, religious, or blood ties, with a common culture and dialect, typically having a recognized leader.” Is the neighbourhood where we live where we find our tribe? Maybe. I asked another friend from a rural part of the country: Where is home? “Home is here. My community is here. I would never move back there.” Maybe you find your tribe oppressive. The leader, corrupt. When we are young, with our parents, we are definitely part of their tribe. When I was young, we lived in a neighbourhood in Vancouver where everyone was the same race, the same socio-economic background, and the same religion (Presbyterian). 

When you are young, you don’t have a choice about who you hang with at home. As you get older, you find your tribe in high school: are you a burn-out, a preppy, a mod, a rocker, a loser? You go on to university (or life) and further narrow down your choice of tribe. It’s actually fairly efficient. If you are not where you belong, you know it pretty quickly. If you are failing an accounting class and really wish you were in theatre you transfer out pretty quickly. If you find yourself without the status you wish in the real world, you either go back to school or look for ways to get a promotion. These experiences would probably be both necessary and painful. If you marry the wrong person, the experience and subsequent divorce will be painful. If you are in the wrong city, the moving and re-settlement experience will be painful.

Another friend went to business school in France because the person he was living with in the U.K. was having so much fun. So he said to himself ‘ That looks like fun. These people are fun. I’m going to go there.’  And he did and never looked back. Another friend was working at a conservative, no-nonsense firm doing commercial real estate deals until he had drinks with one of their competitors. He quit the conservative firm the next day.

Are you living the best version of yourself? Do I respect and value myself? Do others respect and value me? Is the choice of your tribe and your position in it the choice of the Gods? Or yourself? Shakespeare has Macbeth (at the urging of his wife) murder King Duncan for the kingship of Scotland in ‘the Scottish’ play. Did that work out well for him? 

I moved to Toronto from Vancouver a hell of a long time ago. Did I find ‘my tribe?’ I have family (a lifejacket in a storm), friends, and a community. I’m lucky in that regard, I guess. Maybe you start with yourself. Do I respect and value myself? Do I respect and value others? I am moving to downtown Toronto soon. Do I think it’s a good idea? There’s energy there. There’s vitality there. There’s youth there. Is that my tribe? 

I’m not sure but I’m sure going to find out.